The Confusing, Competing Feelings of Motherhood

I’m 9 months pregnant and it’s most likely my last pregnancy. I am a whale, every position is uncomfortable, my skin is itchy and I’m SO done sharing my body. But at the same time, I know I will miss feeling the little baby kicks. I will miss my toddler kissing my belly. I will miss all the twinkly smiles of strangers. I know even more sleepless nights are to come and I will be even less mobile with a newborn attached to me. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but I also know I will miss it. How can I feel both so strongly?

It’s two months after the birth of my son and I have a dentist appointment. My son is high needs and not sleeping well I am so very tired. I have been anxiously awaiting a break, but on the way to drop him off, tears are streaming down my face. Driving to the dentist, I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and it’s sitting at my mom’s house. I feel so torn wanting a break from him but also not wanting a break from him for one single second.

Maternity leave is almost over. I am looking forward to returning to the land of grown ups and a more predictable schedule. At the same time, my heart aches thinking of leaving my children and missing out on milestones.

It’s bedtime for my kids. I am so ready to watch grown up tv shows and relax and enjoy the quiet. But I also miss them and want to kiss their cute squishy little faces.

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